Things like this aren't easy for me to say. Since its been on my mind and even jogging hasn't helped me push past it, maybe writting it will give me release.
I had all these plans, that I thought were your plans too. We discussed them in great detail. Even altered them to fit your schedule. You let me down and it hurts.
If you changed your mind, thats fine, (I change my mind all the time) At the instant you changed your mind, you should of come to me. You let it go on and on. March, May. I held up my end which was harder than what you had to do. I cleaned up my act, my body, got meds out of my system. It was now time, you said NO. It cut, it burns, its betrayl. I would of been hurt either way, but I wouldnt of put the effort in; time and energy I can't get back.
But now I see this wasn't meant to be. And yes I need to get over it. Pick myself up, dust myself off. Move on. I've done it before, its not easy. I need to stop the "what ifs". I am still angry. instead of being where I thought we would be right now, my harsh reality is one of starting back on the meds, I worked so hard to clean out of my body (hated them anyway). I now realize I liked not taking them. This weekend I will start back on the MTX (was a big girl and called to get a new script today), I will wait to see how sick I get, I will see how much hair I lose this time around. I will do it with grace, snd maybe a little anger.
The next 30 days, I need to build up this drug in my system so I can take another drug I would rather not have to. I also thought that I wouldn't be trying to figure out how to pay for it. Which you also used an excuse to get out of a deal we made (fighting dirty isnt my style)
Thank god, I am smart. I am enrolled in an assistance program. I jumped through your damn hoops Insurance companies. What I have to pay still stinks but its not nearly as much. I will be pumping my vacation fund into my arm on Oct 8th and Oct 22 for 6 hours each time. Happy Birthday to me.
And with that, it leaves one more issue that needs to be handled this weekend. The words TAKE OVER & OWNERSHIP come to mind.
I will be fine, I always am. Just been unhappy lately. Jogging has been my release. And now its time to handle this